(2 minute read)
Can you recall a situation where you’ve been asked for your advice (opinion, thoughts) on a particular situation, from a friend or colleague?
While being taken into this inner sanctum of trust can be a great reinforcer of a relationship, and provide a sense of connection, we now know that the type of reply we offer can adversely affect the enquirers willingness to accept or apply any of the sage wisdom we have provided and determine whether they’ll seek our ‘advice’ again.
In his bestselling book, Supercommunicators – How to unlock the Secret Language of Connection; author Charles Duhigg shares with us an unconscious assumption that can get in the way of meaningfully connecting with others.
Duhigg reminds us that not all those who seek advice are after advice.
While this sounds extremely conflicting, it requires a deeper dig into what place the message or request is coming from.
He explains that many people who have been consulted regarding a particular situation, dilemma, scenario, or incident, aren’t always being asked for their opinion.
Duhigg’s research uncovered that while those responding to a request for advice were more than willing to comply, it wasn’t always their advice which was being sought, sometimes it was just an empathic ear, or even a hug.
Duhigg suggests that before we decide to try and ‘fix’ the problem, (as some of us are so quick to do) take a moment to determine:
- Do they want to be helped?
- Do they want to be hugged?
- Do they want to be heard?
Attempting to ‘fix’ their problem and provide a solution may be useful to those who were genuinely seeking our help. However, the same response or advice may border on useless to someone who just needed to ‘vent’ or requires a sense of comfort during an emotional low point.
A salient reminder to encourage us to ‘read the situation’ and understand the perspective of others prior to charging in with our thoughts, opinions, or recommendations – despite our best intentions.